Bookish (And Not So Bookish) Thoughts

Bookish (And Not So Bookish) Thoughts is a Weekly Meme hosted by Christine @ Bookishly  Boisterous.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I hope you and your families are having a good one. I'm trying something new this week so let's get a few thoughts off my chest...

1. Things I'm Thankful for this year:

- My grandmother's cat Houdini and his ability to always make me smile 

- Coffee, my life-blood

- Improved health

- My grandmother being back in her own apartment

2. I'm actually over the Thanksgiving-Black Friday thing this year. I don't like Thanksgiving because I have to cook a ton of stuff and by this point I've already finished my Christmas shopping. Surprisingly I'm actually looking forward to Christmas even if I'm dreading the ever-growing-colder temps. Living in Wisconsin sucks. But overall, I'm sick of seeing commercials about happy families around the dinner table because it doesn't seem realistic to me anymore. Do any of those picture-perfect families even exist??

3. I'm really stumped for where to go with my #bookstagram theme for next month. It's too cold to take pictures outside and I don't have a lot of time to take them and come up with elaborate props and backdrops but I still want it to look good, you know? Since it's December it should be at least a little wintery-Christmas-y but I don't have a lot of stuff that relates. 

4. I'm completely failing NaNoWriMo this year. I mean word count-wise I was doing good and I can see 50k in sight but I struggle with the balance between reading and writing. I made the mistake of getting a ton of books from the library and I've been engrossed in them instead of being engrossed in writing and when it comes down to sitting down and cranking out words... I just don't have the ambition. 

5. The holiday depression is hitting my family hard but honestly I'm not feeling too bad. I just wish my family would get the memo not to make me miserable along with them. 

6. I finished Illuminae by Amie Kaufman and Jay Kristoff earlier this week and holy s**t! How is it that I've waited this long to read this series? Amazing! Blown away! Need more! 

7. I still haven't finished reading Kingdom of Ash. *face-palm*

An Open Letter About Depression: The Darkness Behind The Writer

In light of the recent losses of Kate Spade and Anthony Bordain to suicide this past week and the recent talk about mental illness in the media I'd like to open up about my struggles. 

The Darkness Behind the Writer

Sometimes I feel like the media doesn't have the required empathy when talking about people with depression or people who have taken their own lives, like they're trying to minimize things. Yes, maybe Kate Spade fixated on Robin William's death. Maybe it caused her to plan for her own suicide for four years. I don't know. Sometimes when you're in a dark place you just want all the pain to end. I understand that. 

I've struggled with what I now can admit to myself is severe depression and anxiety for years. Different things stick out to me now; being hysterical and not wanting to go to school because of bullying, the winter I used the excuse of Seasonal Affective Disorder when I didn't want to get out of bed for weeks after a break up, the times after I'd argued with my now ex-boyfriend that I remember standing in the middle of the grocery store wanting to burst into tears. I put on a brave face for so long so nobody would see how I was really feeling.

These past few years haven't been the easiest. My grandmother, who raised me and whom I've lived with almost all of my life, began having mobility issues in 2013. At first she walked with a walker, then when we had to go long distances she'd use a wheelchair, then after a fall she was in the wheelchair full time, and finally in the past 9 months transfers in and out of her wheelchair became extremely hard due to a diagnosis of Spinal Stenosis. During all of this time I was more than her granddaughter, I was her 24/7 caregiver. 

During this time my mood plummeted. I was irritable and argumentative, I was frequently in tears because what I thought of as a lack of freedom to live my life as others in my life got to do whatever they wanted whenever they wanted, and genuinely stressed out from the physical requirements of being a caregiver. I felt alone. I felt like I was screaming out for help but nobody could hear me or nobody was willing to help me. 

In March 2018 my grandmother ended up in the hospital with a blood clot and I just couldn't do it anymore. She ended up going into a nursing home and I ended up moving in with my mother and sister. Since that time my depression and anxiety has gotten increasingly worse. I was crying nearly every day, sometimes for no reason at all. I feel guilt for my grandmother having to be in a nursing home and feel even worse when things aren't ideal for her there which makes me feel worse. On top of that I feel like I have to manage everything for the both of us which has had me near my breaking point on more days than I want to admit. That combined with my new living situation, where it feels on certain days I'm living with strangers - at least one of which has severe anger issues and I often wondered throughout these past months whether I'd make it through to the other side. I felt - I still feel at times - hopeless.

Because of these feelings my writing has suffered. I know I *should* write, I have ideas to write down, but frequently I just have no desire to write. Depression has slowly stolen the things I enjoy. I have either no desire to read on certain days or can't concentrate when I do. I used to enjoy taking pictures for bookstagram and talking to friends about books but lately it's been a struggle to keep up with it day to day and even when I do post I'm not very talkative.

I finally had to admit that I needed help. Though I know with 100% certainty I would never take my own life, I've had my fair share of days where I walked across the foot bridge in town and thought to myself it would be so much less of a burden if it all just ended and other days where I wanted to crawl into bed and never wake up. So I made an appointment with the doctor on June 1st. 

I'll admit, it was more than a little embarrassing to talk about the way I've been feeling. But with a sympathetic third-party who has no involvement in my current situation I was able to admit the truth. I'm not happy. There are days when I can't even remember happy. And it's not "normal" to have three panic attacks in 24-hours. 

I'm not a great pill taker, but the doctor placed me on a medication for the severe anxiety and severe depression and gave me a referral for counseling this coming week. I've only been taking the medication for 9 days so I don't know yet how well it's working, some days I feel no different at all but it's not as often as before so perhaps that's a start. I'm a little nervous about starting counseling, unsure of the unknown, but it's something I've known I've needed for a while and I'm willing to try anything to make life more tolerable. 

Someone said the other day that Depression is a life-long disease and it's true. I'll have good days and bad, but it's about learning how to cope with the bad days that's important. I'm hoping that my story can help someone, at least to tell them they're not alone. There are others out there going through the same things you are. Don't keep it bottled inside. Talk to a friend, a family member, a doctor, or call the suicide prevention lifeline if you need to. Your life is worth living. It's not your time to go. 

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:

1-800-273-8255

#BookTag Saturday: The "Aside from Books" Tag

I'm way behind on my tags over on Bookstagram so this week I'm doing a book tag that I recently caught up on over there...

1. Favorite Hobby

Baking

2. Favorite Drink

Iced Tea

3. Favorite Food

Pasta of any sort

4. Favorite Color

Black & Lime Green

5. Favorite City I've Visited

Sioux Falls, South Dakota

6. Where Would You Dream Home Be

Somewhere in the south, maybe New Orleans?

7. Favorite Accessory

My Ouija board planchette necklace

8. Favorite TV Show

Vikings, Midsomer Murders, and Criminal Minds

9. Marvel or DC

Neither, I don't read comic books

10. Last Movie Watched In Theaters

My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2 (yes, that long ago!)

#BookTag Saturday: Meet the Book Blogger Tag

This is a play on the #meetthebookstagrammer tag on Instagram.

 1. Where Are You From?

Shawano, Wisconsin

2. When did you start your book blog?

July 26, 2015

3. Author or Publisher?

As an indie author, I'm both author and publisher, which means my day is never done!

4. Standalone or Series?

Series most of the time, but I do love a good standalone.

5. Where in the world do you want to travel most?

Ireland.

6. Author who inspires you?

Sarah J. Maas and Wendy Higgins drive me to become a better writer.

7. Cats or Dogs?

Cats!

8. Favorite Movie?

Elvis and Anabelle or Crimson Peak

9. Biggest Fear?

Death or Never having the type of life I want. Being restricted, contained.

#BookTag Saturday: The Reading Habits Book Tag

This "Book Tag" Saturday I'm giving you insight into my personal reading habits with...

1. Do you have a certain place at home for reading?

I either read in bed or sitting in my chair in the living room.

2. Bookmark or a random piece of paper?

Bookmarks... usually 😜

3. Can you stop reading at any point in time or do you have to stop at a certain point, page, chapter, etc.

I usually try to stop at the beginning of a new chapter unless I'm absolutely interrupted and need to put the book down.

4. Do you eat or drink while reading?

Not usually. I usually get so into the story that the food sits there for a looooong time.

5. Can you read while listening to music or watching TV?

Sometimes I can read with the TV in the background, but only if whatever is on tv is something I'm not interested in.

6. One book at a time, or several at once?

I'm a one book at a time kind of girl!

7. Reading at home or everywhere?

At home mostly. Unless I'm waiting for someone while they're at an appointment or something.

8. Reading out loud or silently in your head?

Silently in my head.

9. Do you read ahead or skip pages?

I sometimes flip ahead to see what's going to happen. Usually, this happens when I'm bored with a book and wanting to see if it picks up.

10. Breaking the spine or keeping it like new?

I only break the spine if it's one of those pocket paperbacks and I'm having trouble keeping the book open.